Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Wait, that's not what I meant! Contributed by Pamela Matlack Klein

These misguided headlines have been making the rounds forever, and you might have already seen them. But they give me a chuckle every time, and I thought it might brighten your day. Thanks to member Pamela Matlack Klein for contributing.

"Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say."

"Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers."

"Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over."

"Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter."

"Miners Refuse to Work After Death."

"Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant."

"War Dims Hopes for Peace."

"If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile."

"Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures."

"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges."

"Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge."

"New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group."

"Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft."

"Kids Make Nutritious Snacks."

"Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half."

"Hospitals Are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors."

"Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead."


To that, I can add a couple of my favorite quotes from my days as a sportswriter.

1. The University of North Carolina football coach, reflecting back on a disappointing season:
"If we had started out the year 4-0, I guarantee you we wouldn't have finished 3-9."

2. The manager of the Lynchburg Mets, a minor league baseball team, on a bright young prospect:
"The thing I like about this kid is that his whole future is ahead of him."

3. A Virginia Tech football play-by-play broadcaster after the teams came out for the second half with Tech trailing Miami 28-0:
"If Tech is going to win this game, they're going to have to put some points on the scoreboard."

And to follow up with the "stating the obvious" theme, I heard a classic on my local TV news the other day.

After describing a "home invasion" robbery in which a man broke into a house at gunpoint and robbed the occupants, the reporter noted: "Residents say that's not the sort of thing they want to see in their neighborhood."


Melissa said...

I am confused - why was the man who broke into the house being held at gunpoint? Wouldn't the occupants have won that one? ;-)

Linda Wilson said...

Pearl's everyone of them! I haven't laughed so much for a long time.